Dating Etiquette for Two Year Olds

Dear Gracie,

I know that you are in love with Elmo. And I know that he is in love with you too. Yes, I have overheard him say "And Elmo loves you too!" at the end of your t.v. time together. (We moms always find out.) Normally, I would put a stop to this relationship because of your tender age, but I understand how deeply your love goes and have decided to allow you to pursue this a bit longer.

Since this is going to continue, I feel it is time to talk to you about boundaries in relationships. You need to learn what is and isn't appropriate behavior when love finds its way into your heart.

First, you need to commit to just one person. Yes, I know "Woof-Woof" of Blue's Clues is only a distant second. Maybe your love for woof-woof is purely platonic, and she is just your new BFF. However, it is not appropriate to yell out "Woof-Woof!" while Elmo is trying to get your attention during the "Bananas" episode. If you do not feel that watching a show about bananas is what you would like to do, simply say "Maybe another time..." and excuse yourself. Yelling out the name of another person you would rather be spending time with is considered very rude.

(By the way, having a meltdown and crying when you are told you can't watch Woof-Woof is also entirely inappropriate. This will never get you an audience with Blue, since mommy is the one that controls the DVD player and doesn't appreciate the drama.)

Secondly, when love first sprouts, it is natural to want to spend all of your time with your new beau. However, waking up at two in the morning, yelling for mommy, and then requesting to see Mo-Mo is not only over-eager, it is annoying. You must learn to use some self control and see Mo-Mo at appropriate times, like when mommy would like to get on the computer to blog.

Another important point: if this behavior continues, and you are found attempting to meet with a young man at two a.m. in your teen years, daddy will probably drop dead from a heart attack, so please learn some restraint now.

Lastly, everyone loves to daydream about their significant other during those times they cannot be together. A photograph is entirely appropriate, as is a letter, stuffed animal, or some other reminder of your loved one. However, your Mo-Mo collection has expanded beyond the reach of any normal human attachment. I never had a doll of your daddy that would sing, dance, and do the hokey-pokey.

Yes, I love your daddy very much, but there is a limit to how much one should have available to remind them of a loved one. You have plastic, plush and motorized versions of Mo-Mo, as well as shirts, stuffed animals, and even wall clings. Enough is enough. If you find yourself attracted to another in the future, you will be left without toys, room decor or clothing. This is something important to consider, as you will be required to wear clothing if you plan on going on any dates in the future.

Thank you for listening to wise counsel. You are a very smart, funny and beautiful girl. While Mo-Mo has captured your heart for now, I'm sure there will be others vying for your attention in the future, and it is never too early to learn good manners.

Love Always,
Mommy