Monday, August 16, 2010

Planet Parenthood (Part One)

There are two types of people in the world: those with children, and those without. Now, there are plenty of sub-classifications of this, such as those who are too young to have children, those who want children - but just not yet, and those who tried to give away the children they have, but found out that's pretty much illegal.

These two groups live and work together, but are on completely different planets. I know. I used to be on Planet Sanity until about two years ago. That's when Grace was born and I was transported to this foreign, upside down world where nothing makes sense. But there is a lot of giggling.

You see, before I had kids I knew that having children changed you. I could tell, because everyone I knew that had children were suddenly completely inept, totally exhausted, and had no good reason for why they couldn't complete a simple sentence. I tried not to be too judgemental, since this phenomenon didn't seem to be a random event happening to only one or two parents. No, the entire parent population seemed to be affected by this condition.

It just didn't seem like such a big deal to get the kids dressed, pack a diaper bag and get out the door on time. Okay, so it takes longer with kids - just give yourself more time! How hard is that?

For those of you still residing on Planet Sanity, let me give you a sneak peek at what is happening over here on our world. Before you have children, you are surrounded by people who are sane, logical, and sleeping through the night. When a problem comes your way, you can come up with a solution, share it with all involved or affected, try to work out differences (if there are any) and move on toward completing the goal.

I liked that world.

Eighty percent of the people on Planet Parenthood are what we call Children. (We call them this because they aren't allowed to use the other words we've come up with.)

Fifteen percent are adults trying to keep the chaos in check. None of these people have even hinted at trying to turn our planet into something resembling Planet Sanity. We know to quit while we're ahead.

The other five percent? Oh, they're mostly made up of parents who've just given up. You've met them. The people at the store who seem totally oblivious to the fact that one of their children is over in aisle twelve singing "Baby's Got Back" at the top of their lungs, while the youngest member of the clan has just run right smack into you because she was looking backwards as she was running full tilt down the aisle... Yeah. Them.

A very, very small percentage is made up of adults who seem to have well behaved children, complete control of their faculties, clean homes and hot meals with their family every night. I personally think these families are actually robots, collecting data for the marketing gurus that create the annoying commercials that run repeatedly during Saturday morning cartoons, but that's another post.

Oh, and don't forget - grandparents. Once you arrive on this planet, you never go back. But most grandparents are lumped into the 80% we call children, because parents have to try and control the chaos they generate too.

See, I've already written far too much, and haven't even given you a single point or example of why we can't seem to complete a single task effectively. Actually, maybe I have given you an example. Either way, when I finish with Part Two on Wednesday, things will become crystal clear for my readers. Or not.


Tracey said...

I have no idea what you are talking about. Everything is sane on my planet. :)

Tracey said...

Okay, look. I am the only person who posts comments here. So far. I mean, you are brilliant, and some day you will have 5000 followers, but until then... I promise not to post any links to malaysian hair bands or the Nigerian lottery, if you just take off the word verification.

Or should I say "frechin" word verification, because that is the word this time. I kid you not.