Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Olympic Medalist

This week has been a rather slow one, in terms of chaos. It's only half over though, so I'm sure something will pop up just to keep me on my toes. During the lull I've had time to reflect on the things I've gotten particularly good at. If any of the following were turned into an Olympic event, I'm pretty sure I'd be a medal contender:

1) Changing poopy diapers on a wiggling infant. Extra points for using three wipes or less, not getting poop on any clothing (yours or theirs), and completing the task in under 60 seconds.

2) Baby proofing a home. While this may seem like a one time event, it is a daily (hourly?) occurrence when you have an infant AND a toddler. This is not a solo event. No, this is you and your competition on the same playing field, trying to outdo the competitor just a few feet from you. Much like Michael Phelps racing to hit that wall mere nanoseconds before his competitor, I have to stay one step ahead of the tiny tyrants in the arena if I am to win.

3) Completing everyday tasks - with one hand. There would probably be some stiff competition in this category, as moms are always trying to reign in a child with one hand while completing a task with the other. Still, I have been known to perform some pretty amazing feats while holding an infant. For example: I can eat cereal and milk with a spoon in my left hand while feeding Mark solid food with the spoon in my right hand. I can empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, prepare food, and even BLOG while only using one hand. Don't even get me started on what I can accomplish while breastfeeding, Mark in one arm - the world at the other. Also, if using your feet to complete tasks does not get its own event, then it should have bonus points in this one.

4) Identifying sounds from three rooms away. Yes, I can hear a toddler from my room and KNOW that she is not in bed. I can tell when my son has woken up, even when he is just playing in his crib, not crying out or trying to make it known that he's awake and ready to get up. I know when crayons are being dumped, toys are being thrown, and the worst sound of all - SILENCE. I just know when it has been too quiet for far too long.

5) Speed Showering. Gone are the days of long, hot showers to melt away the day. In this category, I would give new Army recruits a run for their money. Having a two year old walk into the bathroom, slide open the shower stall door, take one look at you under the hot spray and then burst into tears is quite a bit of motivation to stick with the essentials when showering. I'm trying not to analyze the bursting into tears part too much...

6) Sneakily eating Halloween candy. Until last month, I had no idea just how good I was at this. My two year old scored almost half a pumpkin pail full of candy in just two streets... and has no idea about the concept of Halloween candy, or that it's even still around the next day. This puts me in the enviable position of being able to hijack all the leftover candy with nary a protest. The only challenge here is to procure a treat, unwrap said treat very quietly, and pop it into my mouth without small eyes and ears catching on. I can have a Tootsie roll from the bowl to my mouth in .046 seconds. Those twisty type wrappers are great. M&Ms take a bit longer, but still... I think I could win the gold medal here.

7) Straightening up the house. Yes, if you've seen my house you may wonder why I think I would even make the team, much less medal in this event. However, with the proper motivation, you would be amazed at how much I could cram into cupboards and closets, throw into the garage, and toss under beds in just a minute or two. Unexpected company just around the corner? No problem. Landlord needs to check the heater filter? Come on over. 

Notice I didn't say "clean" the house. No, the dust bunnies, handprints on the windows and pb&j on the kitchen floor would certainly require more time than this event would allow. But getting toys and shoes from point A to point B? Oh yeah, I'm a contender.

In case you were wondering, during the time it took me to write this post, Gracie (who is supposed to be napping) found a sample bottle of prescription eczema lotion, and emptied it. The problem of course, is that I have no idea where she emptied it. In her bedclothes, on the floor, in her mouth? This last possibility has now prompted my first call to Poison Control. (Mild to no side effects, give her some water and she'll be fine. Whew.) I'm thinking my next post may be Olympic Events my children should enter...

Re-reading my post, I am forced to admit I may not medal in event number two after all. However, based on my second sentence - if fortune telling opens up, I'm definitely in the running.

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