Showing posts with label House. Show all posts
Showing posts with label House. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Floor Solutions

I hate mopping floors. Today I realized it is not for lack of effort, but simply because I have been using the wrong tools. I have one of these:

Mine is not this festive. Maybe it should be.
And this:


My latest purchase. Apparently not my last.
Two of these:
Failed me miserably. And is missing the "automatic" button.

 
Was even worse. (I didn't know that was possible.)

And in moments of true desperation... sometimes this:
These, dear readers, are pot scrapers.
They do wonders - but you have to be awfully
close to the floor to use them.

The light dawned as my Swiffer effortlessly smeared the strawberry filling of a cereal bar across the linoleum. The broom had smashed the bar into the nooks and crannies of the vinyl just moments earlier. As I pulled out the pot scraper and went to work on fossilized banana bits, I worked out a plan. It's only $1,039:

Well, hello Jack! It's good to see you.
Look for it on an Amazon wishlist near you...
and I'm sure it's worth every penny.

Monday, September 20, 2010

What is a SAHM?

A Seasoned Chef
Today I ate cold macaroni and cheese for lunch.

I ate it straight from the pot.

With the serving spoon.

While standing at the stove.

And it was 2:15 in the afternoon.

I'm trying to tone down the glamour here, lest all the working moms read this and decide that they too want to stay home with their kids so they can participate in this kind of excitement.

I assure you, when I was a working mom, I never got to do any of the fun stuff I do now that I'm a SAHM. I thought that SAHM stood for Stay At Home Mom. Now I'm not so sure.

SAHM: Sometimes Allowed Hot Meals.

The Perfect Hostess
You know how SAHMs always offer you a "refreshment" when you come to visit? It's not because they are concerned about your parched palate. SAHMs ask people to have a seat and offer them a drink in the hopes visitors will get up to use the bathroom and quarters will fall out of their pockets.

It's the only way we get paid.

If you've read my prior post "The Cleanest House", you may have noticed I have slipcovers on the couches. This makes it easier for SAHMs to get paid. Last time I checked the couches, I only found three crayons and the missing nose to Mrs. Potato Head. Very disappointing.

SAHM: Searching About, Hoping for Money.

Midnight Mommy
If you are a Stay At Home Mom, there is a good chance that a man in your life works outside the home to bring in enough money to cover the expenses that your couch hunting skills don't. This means that when a child is sick, teething, wetting the bed, sleepwalking, or up in the middle of the night for any reason, you are the Go-To-Girl.

SAHM: Sleep About Half as Much.

Always There
Don't get me wrong - I love being a Stay At Home Mom. I saw Mark roll over for the first time. I saw Gracie draw her first circle as we colored together. I saw her dance with delight as she discovered the water hose this summer. I see my kids discovering, learning, and growing every day...

SAHM: Sees All the Happy Moments.

Or is that Seize All the Happy Moments?

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Cleanest House

"If you've come to see me, come anytime.
If you've come to see my house, make an appointment."


Once upon a time, in a city far, far away, I lived in a three bedroom house with just my Prince Charming and I.

And the house was kept clean. (Well, mostly.)

Then, a stork brought a little bundle of joy, and our two income household was able to afford a housekeeper once a month so I could play with my Munchkin instead of clean the toilets.

And the house was kept clean. (Well, sort of.)

Then, the stork brought another bundle of joy, the Prince moved his family to a new house, and the housekeeper and second income went away.

And the house was kept... well, like this:



Okay. So it's not always like this. But this was 10 am on a Tuesday morning, and I swear, the house had been picked up the night before. Before you get eye strain trying to figure out exactly what is going on in the poorly lit picture above, let me enlighten you:

Just that morning, Auntie Ginger had left after her visit. (This is how I know the house had been picked up the night before... we had company for goodness sakes!). The green blob on the couch are sheets from Auntie Ginger's bed. They hadn't quite made it to the laundry in the garage.

The mess on the coffee table is Gracie's stuffed animal "Duck", and the crayons and coloring pad Auntie and Grace used to color together.

The multi-colored blobs on the floor are from the new toy that Auntie got Mark, and Gracie hijacked and opened that morning. (The box from the toy is the white blob on the floor by the coffee table.)

The shoes are Prince Charming's. He did not place them there - his littlest princess did. After all, her fascination with shoes began at a very early age. These shoes have lots of velcro that are noisy and easy to open. And so, they take their place in the middle of the walkway to the living room.

The clothing in front of the couch is the freshly washed load that was brought in just minutes prior to the picture being taken, and had been thrown from the couch onto the floor by the little girl in the picture who is trying to look innocent, but is actually the cause of all this disaster.

(No, she has no pants on... just a diaper. But that is another story, and not relevant to this post, since she somehow managed not to throw the pants into the middle of the living room too - not that anyone would have noticed if she had.)

Finally, the purple Tinkerbell chair and large round bouncer are used to corral the young royals when needed. They are sometimes moved to other rooms, but alas, they do indeed tend to live in this one.

Just three hours later, the royals were napping in their beds, and I worked to get the room back into shape. When finished, it looked like this:


And the house was kept clean. (Well, sometimes.)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Little House of Horrors

Our garage door broke earlier this month. The spring just snapped. For this I am thankful. We had no idea, but the garage was trying to kill us.

My husband came back from running errands, and told me the garage door was no longer working and I'd have to park in the driveway until it was fixed. It's summer in Central California, which means that I either have to find a way to cool down the car before getting in, or risk needing skin grafts as the lava hot car seat melds itself with my thighs. Not only do I have to deal with the lava, but my children do too.

Okay, so those of you that live in normal areas may just think to turn on the air conditioning, go inside the house, get the kids, and when you come back out, things will have cooled to boiling - good enough. Well, did I also mention we live in the car theft capital of the WORLD? Oh yes, our county and those surrounding us regularly rank in the top five in the nation. Seriously. No one around here even leaves their doors open to cool off the car, much less turns the thing on and air conditions it for the theives just waiting around the corner.

I finally decided to bring Gracie to the car first, and chance leaving the windows open to help cool the car down. I figured she'd get used to the phrase "I'll be right back" and any thief worth their salt would know better than to try and steal a vehicle with a toddler in the back seat. Then I'd run back in to get Mark and my purse...

Errands would need to be kept to a minimum until this was fixed.

Thankfully, the landlords had the garage door fixed in just a couple of days. Before the guy got here, our garage door spring looked like this:


Snapped right in two. The repair man said he called about the warranty and could replace the left side with no problem, and it looked like the right side was... hey, what's this?

The right side of the door had this attached:


Apparently, holding together your garage door spring with a few bolts and a spare piece of steel you found lying around is frowned upon.

When the repairman saw that, he said "This could have killed somebody!". Not exactly what you want to hear when cradling your four month old in your arms. He needed to call the warranty guys again.

Please, please do.

In less than thirty minutes, the springs had been replaced, and I was summoned to sign the work order. "By the way," the repairman said "You also have these two fluorescent lights plugged into the overhead door opener. It's a fire hazard, and if anything ever went wrong with your garage door opener, the warranty would be voided because you're not supposed to rig the thing like this."

This was said very politely, but with the slightest hint of a smile that said we weren't the brightest people on the block. I felt the need to explain that we had only been renting a few months, and that none of these contraptions were our doing. He smiled smugly, unplugged the lights and then went on his way. (I would have taken a before photo of the lighting menagerie too, but was already too embarrassed and didn't want to ask him to wait so I could take a picture of our fire hazard for my blog.)

I now park in the garage. Gracie is still the first one to the car, and our seats are only habanero hot, as opposed to magma. But, I am most grateful for the fact that we no longer have fire hazards and guillotines awaiting our every move. Who knew the garage could be so hazardous?