Thursday, February 17, 2011

Supervisor And Home Maker: An Inside Look at the Job of a SAHM (Part Two)

Welcome back! Our cliff hanger from last time left you wondering:

Will our SAHM get the kitchen clean before lunchtime?
Will Gracie escape the clutches of her high chair?
Why haven't we heard anything from Mark?
Will the Cheerios on the floor ever get swept up?

Poise those fingers over that mouse as we bring you the final installment of "SAHM: Why Nothing Ever Gets Done Around Here"!

Uh.... peep?

Experienced supervisors know that you do not unstrap the toddler from the high chair before going to check on another employee. Instead, you immediately search for your second staff member, hoping to find him happily engaged in his work. Unfortunately, you find him at the water cooler. And by water cooler, I mean toilet. When you took your daughter to the bathroom earlier, you left the door open. You gently remind your water soaked employee that the toilet bowl is not a kiddie sized sink, and is not to be used as a face washing station. You then explain that if this happens again you may have to write him up, and then detain him in the playpen that has been reserved for insubordinate employees.

You wash his hands and face with anti-bacterial soap, change his shirt, and send up thanks that while the toilet water was definitely dirty, at least you had flushed the toilet this time.

On the way back to the kitchen, you happily note that your two year old is not screaming her head off, wanting to be released from her plastic prison. As you turn the corner, you realize it's because said two year old can reach the salt dispenser on the table - even with all five high chair straps firmly fastened. If she were training for an Olympic medal in gymnastics, you would be beaming with pride. Instead, you give her the same lecture about playpens that you just gave your other employee, and grab the damp dish cloth.

Yes, I know this is not salt. That doesn't mean it hasn't happened.
I only have so much time to photograph my children's misbehavior.

You wipe down her hands and face, and release her from that wonderful invention you strap small children into to keep them from going anywhere. This is considered culturally acceptable because it's designed to appear that restraint harnesses are required in order for them to eat - and who am I to say differently?

You wipe down the kitchen table, which looks like a major snowstorm just blew through. That's when you hear the kids happily removing the three utensils you'd managed to place in the dishwasher. Unfortunately, between the two of them there are four hands. And one of them is empty. Naturally, the empty hand is used to shove the baby and take the spatula from him.

Supervisors often have to deal with employee conflict. Luckily, our SAHM has a lot of experience in this area since it happens constantly.

Sit baby upright, remove spoon from hand. Ignore high decibel screaming, as it is unclear if it is a result of being pushed, or having utensil removed from clenched fist. Give two year old the playpen lecture again. Resist urge to take photograph of child with butter knife and spatula in hand, and create "Wanted: Armed and Dangerous" poster. Remove said knife and spatula, before Wanted Poster is actually required. Ignore screaming, as it is unclear if it is a result of being lectured or having utensils removed from clenched fists.

You now send both employees to the play room with instructions to work harmoniously. You chuckle to yourself as you approach the kitchen, and wonder how much longer you can survive before you finally go insane and eat every item in the break room fridge, whether it's been labeled with another employee's name or not. A bottle with the name "Mark"? Make mine a double.

On the way back to the sink, you pick up your toddler's plate, fork, high chair tray and sippy cup.  You wonder if anyone would notice if you just threw them away...

You actually finish loading the diswasher before you realize that almost ten minutes have passed and not a single employee has come in to complain. Not one scream has come from the "office". Nary a peep. You fight visions of what happened the last time you didn't hear a peep as you race toward the play room, praying everyone is still conscious.

Hey Mark! Do you know why they
call this the "sleeper hold"?
You delight in your supervisorial skills when you find your newest team member happily chewing on the sock the other employee has just removed. You wonder if it has a slight egg yolk flavor. Your tallest employee has climbed onto the top of the table and is busying herself by chewing on her newly exposed toenails. You head to the kitchen with a spring in your step. Everyone is conscious, no one is screaming, you have a fully loaded dishwasher and your toddlers toenails have been clipped. Could "Employee of the Year" be far behind?

You wash, dry and replace the high chair trays. You put soap in the dishwasher and actually remember to turn it on. You grab the broom, sweep up Cheerios, toast crumbs and what appears to be dehydrated corn. You look at the clock and congratulate yourself that it has only taken an hour to load one skillet, one spatula, one butter knife and the breakfast dishes of three people. You might be in line for a promotion with that kind of efficiency.

You head to the playroom, ignoring the banana bits stuck to the linoleum, the toast crumbs hiding under the high chair cover, and the fact that there is an egg yolk handprint in the center of your back. You've got an entire hour to play before the lunch hour begins. Who wouldn't love this job?

If the above scenario wasn't enough to satisfy your curiousity, please contact us for consideration for our intern position. If you are awarded the job, you will receive no pay, no lunch breaks, no ruined clothing allowance, and your fourteen hour work day will leave you with no sense of accomplishment. Apply now!

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