A Post Dated Post*

Dear Mommy,

Thank you so much for taking care of me this weekend when I was feeling sick. I have heard it said that boys can be big babies when they don't feel well, so I did my best to live up to all expectations. You did a great job of holding me constantly, and if you ever need  a recommendation for best person to pull an all-nighter with, you've got it.

I especially appreciated the fact that you kept constantly moving so that I could sleep. Next time, you should sleep too - I don't understand why the constant rocking and pacing didn't put you right to sleep. If you'd just kept moving while you were sleeping, we both would have had a much better night.

I also appreciate that despite only having three hours' of sleep, you still allowed me to have fun the next morning. Standing at the light switch for ten minutes was a blast. You flip it up, I push it down. Oh, and the light turns on and off too! How exciting is that? I can't believe we don't do this more often. Especially since it keeps my interest enough to keep me from crying. That's always a good thing.

Also, letting me have the spoon at breakfast? That made me happy too. I suppose you were just too tired to fight the constant battle for the spoon any longer. Sorry about the bright purple blueberry spot on the floor. I had no idea what a great arm I had for flinging that stuff around!

Thanks for all the kisses and cuddles, the constant checking on me and the personalized attention. I had a great time. I can't wait until next time I'm sick, so we can do this all over again!

Love,
Mark

*Confessions of a blogging mom: I tend to write multiple posts at a time when the muse strikes, and then leave them in draft form so I can pull out a quick post when time (or creative energy) is running low. Mark is not actually sick this week (thank heavens!). This letter was written in February, but when I ran across it today... it still seemed timely. I hope you enjoyed it.

Overdue Apologies

Dear Mom, Sister, Best Friend, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, Acquaintances and woman in the check out line at the bank:

I would like to take a moment to send out a long overdue apology. It has taken far longer than it should have; partly because I didn't have children until I was in my thirties, and partly because my children have laid claim to all of my brain cells for the last two years. So, without further delay, here it is:

I would like to apologize for anything I ever thought, implied, wrote, gossiped, shared, commented on, or (heaven forbid) actually said out loud regarding how to raise children prior to actually giving birth.

Thank you for your understanding.

With sincerest apologies,
Sunshine SAHM

P.S. This apology goes out to all of your male counterparts as well. Amen.

Restaurant Rules for Infants

Dear Mark,

I know that you just turned eight months old last week, and it may seem like a bit much to add "reading letters from Mommy" to your long list of to-do items for the day. However, I hope that in between eating, sleeping, chewing on your socks, pulling your sister's hair, dashing for any open hallway door (especially the bathroom) and the ever vital mission to find crayons your sister has left on the floor, you will take the time to read this.

We recently had an opportunity to eat dinner at a local restaurant. I know that you are not too familiar with these types of establishments, as dining out is considered a treat for our family. You should know however, that we will be doing this again from time to time, because Mommy will have a mental breakdown if she never gets a break from cooking for the family. This seems like a good time to add that dining out is something the family (especially Mommy) really looks forward to, and wants to enjoy when given the opportunity.

As you may recall, you were given a unique privilege at the restaurant. For the first time, you were allowed to sit in your own highchair at the table with everyone else, rather than being strapped into your carseat the entire time. As you will learn, dear son, with privilege comes responsibility. This letter is to clarify the responsibilities that come with sitting at the table and the behavior that will be expected if you don't want to stay strapped into your carseat being fed from a baby spoon until you're twenty-one.

First, you must keep your hands and feet inside the high chair at all times. (Well, at least until you learn to feed yourself.) Kicking the nearest dinner companion, grabbing everything within reach, and arching in an effort to fall out of the chair as quickly as  possible will not be tolerated. The reason there is a five point harness on your car seat is because we are on to you little boy... we have seatbelts and buckles at the ready, and we are not afraid to use them.

You should also know that you are to eat your own food, and not someone else's. I know the container of salsa on the table must have seemed vastly more palatable than the rice cereal you were eating, but trust me - had you gotten any of that salsa into your mouth, you would have felt differently.

Luckily for you, the salsa bowl flipped over and splashed your pants leg, the high chair, both of your socks, and Daddy. While you didn't seem embarrassed to have lost half of your clothing and fifteen napkins during the clean up, you should know that this is not acceptable. I'm certain that even though your pants and socks could be removed with nary a glance from other patrons, if Daddy had tried to pull the same stunt, we would have had a much different reaction.

Also, you are allowed to flirt with the waitresses if you must. However, if this flirting interferes with our service, you really need to tone it down. We came to have a nice relaxing dinner with our family, not our family and half the restaurant staff. Being as handsome as you are, it is inevitable that you will draw lots of attention as we are out and about. If this attention affords us better service or we find that our waitress stops at the table more often as a result, we will find a way to live with this. However, if your cooing and shy smiles draws attention every five minutes, we shall never eat another meal in peace.

Lastly, we are there to eat. A restaurant is a very fascinating place, but when Mommy is trying to feed you, please try to refrain from looking in every direction except the spoon. When you do manage to get a bite, please keep the food in your mouth. No one thinks that rice cereal dripping past your two teeth onto your chin and landing on your bib is attractive (no matter what the waitresses say). Learning to keep your food hidden behind your teeth is something that will serve you well the rest of your life.

I am so proud of the fact that you were able to join us at the table, but please try to observe the above rules so that the entire family can enjoy our next outing without having to request extra napkins, a mop, a change of clothes and more salsa.

Until we eat again,
Mommy

Cell Phone SASS

Dear Man at WalMart,

I know. It's WalMart. This store has a solid reputation for harboring teenagers in pajamas, young mothers shopping with infants at 10pm, and other generally inappropriate public displays of ineptness. However, for those of us who shop there and don't display these tendencies, we do our best to simply ignore those in the world who do.

But you sir, are very hard to ignore. While I applaud the fact that you came dressed in nice clothing, even wearing slacks instead of jeans, you still managed to fit in with the WalMart stereotype.

You see, the "Jawbone" bluetooth headset attached to the side of your face did you in. While I'm sure the advertising for this wonderful piece of equipment used words like "stylish" and "sleek", it still looks weird attached to the side of your head.

Lucky for you, we as a society have been taught to ignore such displays of strangeness (see teenager reference above). We have even been taught to ignore the fact that you answer the phone and have private conversations in the middle of a very public place.

Despite our desire to pretend you do not exist, I could not ignore the fact that you were YELLING into your headset. I was three aisles away, and could hear every word. Even more disturbing was the fact that after saying hello and finding that your wife was not available to chat, you asked (and I use that term loosely, as you were still at decibel levels rivaling a rock concert) the person on the other end whether or not you should purchase toilet paper for the family.

Yes, Mr. Jawbone Bluetooth Businessman in Slacks.... you've just blown your cover. Welcome to WalMart.

Sincerely, 
Another Shopper Who Knows More About You Than She Ever Wanted To

Dating Etiquette for Two Year Olds

Dear Gracie,

I know that you are in love with Elmo. And I know that he is in love with you too. Yes, I have overheard him say "And Elmo loves you too!" at the end of your t.v. time together. (We moms always find out.) Normally, I would put a stop to this relationship because of your tender age, but I understand how deeply your love goes and have decided to allow you to pursue this a bit longer.

Since this is going to continue, I feel it is time to talk to you about boundaries in relationships. You need to learn what is and isn't appropriate behavior when love finds its way into your heart.

First, you need to commit to just one person. Yes, I know "Woof-Woof" of Blue's Clues is only a distant second. Maybe your love for woof-woof is purely platonic, and she is just your new BFF. However, it is not appropriate to yell out "Woof-Woof!" while Elmo is trying to get your attention during the "Bananas" episode. If you do not feel that watching a show about bananas is what you would like to do, simply say "Maybe another time..." and excuse yourself. Yelling out the name of another person you would rather be spending time with is considered very rude.

(By the way, having a meltdown and crying when you are told you can't watch Woof-Woof is also entirely inappropriate. This will never get you an audience with Blue, since mommy is the one that controls the DVD player and doesn't appreciate the drama.)

Secondly, when love first sprouts, it is natural to want to spend all of your time with your new beau. However, waking up at two in the morning, yelling for mommy, and then requesting to see Mo-Mo is not only over-eager, it is annoying. You must learn to use some self control and see Mo-Mo at appropriate times, like when mommy would like to get on the computer to blog.

Another important point: if this behavior continues, and you are found attempting to meet with a young man at two a.m. in your teen years, daddy will probably drop dead from a heart attack, so please learn some restraint now.

Lastly, everyone loves to daydream about their significant other during those times they cannot be together. A photograph is entirely appropriate, as is a letter, stuffed animal, or some other reminder of your loved one. However, your Mo-Mo collection has expanded beyond the reach of any normal human attachment. I never had a doll of your daddy that would sing, dance, and do the hokey-pokey.

Yes, I love your daddy very much, but there is a limit to how much one should have available to remind them of a loved one. You have plastic, plush and motorized versions of Mo-Mo, as well as shirts, stuffed animals, and even wall clings. Enough is enough. If you find yourself attracted to another in the future, you will be left without toys, room decor or clothing. This is something important to consider, as you will be required to wear clothing if you plan on going on any dates in the future.

Thank you for listening to wise counsel. You are a very smart, funny and beautiful girl. While Mo-Mo has captured your heart for now, I'm sure there will be others vying for your attention in the future, and it is never too early to learn good manners.

Love Always,
Mommy